22nd December '11
The
other day I had asked a friend of mine for the local office address of
consumer complaints and grievance redressal forum. My friend seemed a
little bemused at the nomenclature. To simplify matters for him, I
rephrased my question and asked him in simple terms as to where the
‘consumer court’ is. He seemed to be clear about the question though, I
couldn’t say the same about the answer. Yes, he didn’t have a clue as to
where this ‘consumer court’ was located in a nearby area. Not that he
knew any offices in the far-off areas either.
To conceal
his failure to provide me answer as well as out of sheer curiosity, he
wanted to know as to why I wanted to know about the consumer court. I
told him that I have a complaint that I would like to register with
them. He became even more curious and started quizzing about the nature
of the complaint, the motive and so on.
Since, he was my
good friend (not just that, if I hadn’t given him the answer he wouldn’t
have left me in peace) I decided to share the complaint with him. I
told him that I was expecting to hit a jackpot in the form of a svelte
and sultry woman as my girlfriend by way of using one of the much touted
body-sprays, but it was never to be that way. He looked askance at me.
Was I mad?! – this is what was in his mind and eyes, though he - for the
sake of courtesy – did ask ‘You are just kidding, aren’t you?’
This
question annoyed me no limits! Here I am, with a serious complaint over
one of the most-disappointing results (two weeks of using that brand of
body-spray and no woman fell for me yet) and there my friend is asking
whether I am joking.
I decided to make matters clearer to
him and explained as to how I saw a television advertisement in which a
skinny-simpleton is turned into a mighty hunk once he sprays this magic
potion (let my Asterix and Obelix, and of course the Druid Getafix
forgive me!) all over his skin-clad skeleton-sack of a body. And not to
miss out the number of physically-fit girls in inadequate dresses that
suddenly throng him and start measuring his biceps and triceps,
shoulders and what-not, with their bright nail-polish applied long
fingers, while whispering whatever-they-said into that hunk’s ears
through the lascivious red-lips (I wonder how come they could afford to
dip their lips in such red/violet/blue paints, but wait, am digressing).
I
also told my friend as to how a lovelorn loner like me decided to try
this magical spray which turns any simpleton into a heartthrob hunk that
can woo women aplenty. But I wasn’t greedy. Neither did I want such
bulging musculature, nor did I want so many seductive women. I, for one,
am so content with that somnolent half-inch flab around my waist, which
I am trying to get rid by way of some 10 minutes of walk - in whichever
day of the week it is possible – but which I am feeding unfailingly on a
hourly basis with regular amount of oily ‘samosas’ and
cheese-sandwiches and chocolate strips and what-not. Also, I didn’t want
a red-hot woman in a nap-time attire.
I just wanted a
pretty-face (OK, a very very pretty face) with little interest for men’s
muscles (otherwise how can I expect her to love me?!) to hang around
with and show-off to my colleagues and other married friends of mine and
add some barrels of oils to the fire in their belly and increase the
faren-heat (pun intended) of their sighs too. But neither worked.
My
friend was already aghast listening to this. Something in his eyes told
me that he wasn’t going to support me in this war of mine against that
company for gifting me such a disappointment. Nevertheless, I decided to
recall the other episodes that pushed me to file a complaint against
the product and the company.
The day after witnessing this
ad on the TV, I promptly landed up at my departmental store and asked
for this particular body-spray. To my dismay, the store didn’t have the
stock. I tried with another shop, but ill-luck chased me, with no stocks
being available there as well. I was so sure that this product works
for sure. Otherwise, how else do you explain the scarcity of the product
in the market? Are there so many lovelorn loners like me – I wondered.
After
spending some 20 minutes walk here and there, sweating out half a
gallon as a result of the sultry (I meant the heat) climate and sending
inside a couple of chocolate strips for the purpose of giving company to
that half-inch-flab-around-the-waist-of-mine, I finally found my magic
potion (again, expect Asterix, Obelix and Getafix to forgive me) hidden
deep inside the shelves of a old shop in another area. How happy I felt
that day!!! Even Columbus wouldn’t have felt that glad when he
discovered India (or, is that America?!).
I promptly came
home, applied it in the same way as the
skinny-skeleton-to-be-turned-into-a-hunk did and started to my
workplace. To my dismay, no one noticed the fragrance at the office. I
wasn’t disheartened since my office is a male-chauvinistic, ouch,
male-dominated place and hardly half a dozen women work there. Even half
of that half-a-dozen is already married or engaged or in-a-relationship
already. So my probability for success rests with the three women that
aren’t married or engaged or not-in-a-relationship-already. I tried to
try my luck with them. So, I just went around to their cubicles asking
for some staplers, stationery or with serious doubts about how to make
delicious aloo-tikki, though I don’t intend to make aloo-tikki on my
own, in this birth. Now, to my dismay (again) none of the three felt any
difference. The only feedback relating to my spray’s fragrance (!) came
when one of those three ‘musk’eteers asked me to stand at a distance
telling that I was smelling foul with sweat! What a disappointment!
I
didn’t give up on my perfume yet. May be, my mistake that I hadn’t
applied adequate amounts of my magic potion. I decided to try my luck
the next day, with an increased dosage (or should it be sprayage?!). The
moment I entered the lift, Lady Luck was smiling at me in the form of
one of those three Charlies’ Angels. Yes, one of the three women was
inside the lift and none else! My lucky day – I mumbled within and got
inside the lift. The moment I was inside, she scrunched her nose and her
eyes went crinkled. I was sure that the magic spray was working with
her and she was starting to show the effects and she was showing signs
of nausea, but wait a minute, wasn’t she supposed to simply swoon at me
rather than threaten to puke inside the lift???
I was
quite confounded at the way she ran off the elevator once we reached the
floor. I decided to visit the next ‘angel’ in her cubicle.
Unfortunately (it wasn’t to be), she had caught cold and with a blocked
nose all that she could smell was only the cold balms. Still she managed
to ask me the purpose of my visit and the slight smell that was beating
her nostrils. I was sure that this was the girl meant to be and decided
to linger on for a while, when my perfume could penetrate her phlegm
covered nostrils and do its magic!
Then came the last
straw, er, I mean, the last angel. I, for a moment, oscillated in my
choice between these two. What if, the third one chooses me right there?
Should I wait for the second person’s nose to get cured and let her be
caught in my aroma and then decide? Or should I hit it out with the
third person, provided she swoons for me? Pat came a noise/voice that
shredded all my dreams – along with it, my hopes - to pieces. The third
angel shouted, ‘Balu, (our office boy) how many times have I told you
not to spray the air-freshener in such heavy amount? See, this whole
place kills me with the stench of the room-spray. Please shut the a/c
and open the windows’.
Could I have told her that it
wasn’t the room-freshener but a romantic freshener, supposed to enliven
my life by wooing in any of those three, free women?! And then this
explains as to why the first woman scurried from the elevator and why
nobody sat next to me in the bus!
Came back home alone, as
always and decided to kill the time watching TV. Much to my irritation
the first frame in the TV was that of that skinny-skeleton guy turning a
hunk again and being surrounded by seductive women.
This
is it. I decided not to take this anymore and sue that body-spray
manufacturing company for misleading me and making me a laughing stock
in front of my could-have-been-prospective-life-partners. That is the
reason for my searching for the consumer forum.
My friend
heard all this patiently and promised me that he will get the details
and call me back the next day. Ever since that day, neither does this
guy call me nor is he at his house whenever I try to visit him. Not just
him, there are a couple of my other friends too that have done the
same. Does any of you reading this know where the consumer forum in my
area is?! Please let me know.
I still have a long list of
products to raise complaints about – a toothpaste that didn’t make even a
old-lady with fake teeth think of kissing me, a chewing gum that only
makes chomping noise that disgusts even my ugly office-assistant, a
dozen shirts that have lost their color and fabric after just a few
washes that it only feels coarse when I touch them but doesn’t feel like
heaven, a face-wash that has just added to my skin-allergy and a few
others too. Can you please tell me as to where the consumer forum is?
Hello, are you reading this? Hello! Hello! Helloooooooooooooooooooooo!
